Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Staying on the Up side...No small Feet!

Ive been away from the Blogger for too long it seems! Im experiencing postmodem depression and not because Ive been camping in the Alaskan backcountry either...Ive been Traveling, Working and Very rarely online. The only way Ive managed to keep any small amount of communicant is via Jacob... and mostly because we chat on the phone...I check in periodically for new Blog Posts...and Im all in his koolaide about online dating, You know, just kinda the same way I was in Karens, koolaide about it! She however, was more open to my suggestions though! She let me set up her Facebook page and write her profile at Plenty Of Fish dot com...(Partly because I didnt tell her I had done it)...Which went something like...
Karen: What did you do????
Me: What?????? Its a good thing, You'll see!
Karen: Brandie... You put that I put out on the First Date!
Me: Look how many men have responded!

But... when she got so many hits, that I had to change her email address away from my blackberry...(For all you crazys out there that just caught on... I did say away from MY blackberry....Not only did she NOT  have a computer in her home or internet or cable tv...she had to come to my house to check her email account, which, I also set up for her...She would call me several times a day and say: "Did I get any emails?" This is how I know she was in fact interested, in what I had done for her...So... I sent her email to my Blackberry, that way if she did call and I was perhaps... feet in stirups the victim of  gyno spelunking, I could easily access her account and simply say Yes or No....Trust me it was never NO!) The Upside: All the love traffic to her profile forced my girl right into this century! She had to buy her first computer and all because of the Love Search... she even went from a razor phone to her very own Blackberry! Yes I did say RAZOR! I know Right? Like soooo 2000 and Late!

So with all the new technology, and Dating avenues, websites, and personal pages published online... why would anyone not give it a whirl?! I'm one of those everyone should be in a relationship people...why would anyone want to be alone? Aside from taking a shit, and Masturcising, we should always be together...with someone...right? Isn't life suppose to be the journey of finding the perfect person to suit your perfect self??

Im an old Married Woman...the best I can do is live vicariously through Jacobs blog and well at this point... my making a facebook page for Karen also landed her a man from Childhood Crushdom...so shes off the Market, and Im desperately in need  of the drama and excitement of potential new love...and for the record...all the TV shows I usually watch are in reality  rerun...Im a Relationship Voyeur...I need this shit to distract from other shit...Oh and as a side note...I saw my neighbors across the way having sex...well... that, or they were having a naked seance, either way it was too weird! Oh, ok, so not to get you too lost... back to Jacob....
So with out any further thought to it, I am going to write the profile for one Jacob "the Luminator" right fricken here... and with any luck, I will have another relationship to butt my face into! Listen, Im shallow, Im nosey, and Im very interested in seeing how well my Match Making skills are...When I retire, I want to be a Match Maker!...What? You thought I was planing on Owning a Real Estate Company all my life? Hell No...this was just something I decided to do so that I could work for myself, I make a lousy employee!
Now, being a match maker IS my life dream....ever since me and Teek saw Fiddler on the Roof....I wanted to be an old Jewish woman that brings love and fornication to lost and looney people....I mean Lonely.... face it folks, with the divorce rates being so High, there is a definite need for this service! Im thinking I could get paid for this shit...And Im a lot nicer then the Millionaire match maker lady too....shes a real Biotch!

Just because you don't have millions doesn't mean you don't deserve Love and Fornicationship! Even less affluent people deserve a shot at finding their Soul Mate! Ok, enough of all the pleading...Here is my Attempt at a Profile for Jacob aka Louminator.....aka Mr.Silverado70 ...thats right  ladies....
If you are looking for a Good Man with Mad Skills, who excels in Grammar, Editing, and is a Natural Born Linguist, then look no further...he is Flexible, wears a size 15 shoe, is Not Shallow,...Likes Movies, Long Talks, and even better...doesn't expect you to be Drama Free...(Cuz really who is Drama Free?....Drama is part of being a human really, Unless your not really Human...even still, reply, cuz who knows you might still have a shot!) If you're a Girl who likes to play Games, and can handle having a kick ass Dungeon Master or Rockband Drummer at your beck and call, Then Mr Silverado 70 Just Might Be your Guy! If you don't take this stuff too seriously and enjoy a man who wont pressure you to put out on the first through third date, but wont say no or hold it against you if you do, then you may have just set your eyes on your soul mate! If none of that sounds appealing but you still need someone to have coffee with, or just simply need arm candy for your next formal function....do yourself the favor of dropping this Man Cake a Line!  Satisfaction Guaranteed!

I know if I read a profile like that ...Id reply!
Who has a better suggestion? Go ahead, in the comments... give me your best shot at a Love Profile....

Thanks Jacob for letting me exploit you!

Muffin

24 comments:

  1. hahaha~ Look out Jacob your about to become MUFFINMATCHED!!!!!!

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  2. I don't recall actually giving you permission to exploit me, but since all your readers left to follow the blog hop I'm not overly concerned that anyone's going to see this anyway.

    I shoulda known better than to give you directions on where to look, so I have no one to blame but myself. And you. :P

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  3. And I'll have you know, I changed "Louminator" on the profile yesterday because I figured it would only be a matter of time before you started snooping around for my profile. I guess I've underestimated your determination, which borders on the obsessive.

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  4. Honestly I only typed in Seeking Male 38-40 within 20 miles of 78209 and Voila~ there you be! I'm just mad that I have to PAY to actually read your profile! Well I could Change the your to Something Else if you want to remain anonymous...and I was gonna ask your permission, but then thought Id ask your forgiveness instead!
    Im not obsessed although you look very nice in those shorts you're wearing....Muahahahahahahaha

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  5. lol the Your??? What does that even mean??? I meant to say I could change your name....

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  6. I'll show you the "current" profiles so you don't have to pay for it. You're lucky I'm one of your backups (and you wouldn't pick me if I wasn't able to put up with your shenanigans. I love your shenanigans!)

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  7. shenanigans!!! lol~ you to are way to funny

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  8. I call Shenanigans...wasn't that the name of the restaurant in "Waiting"

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  9. wow, you should be getting paid for your dedication to getting Jacob laid...holy shit woman!!! I thought i was an obsessive lady, you take the cake my dear. great post, welcome back, it's been too long

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  10. Midwest Mom! You're Welcome!
    Womb...Not getting him Laid, Thats just the extra Perk he my get for himself... The goal here is to practice Match Making! I will need references when I retire!

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  11. That's right! Shenanigans!! And you told me you couldn't stand watching movies. Check out the Bat Wing!!

    If her goal was to get me laid, all she'd have to do was buy the Naked Writer a plane ticket. Then we'd all win! (Please??)

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  12. Damn girl...and I thought I was obsessed with medling in other peoples affairs. Muffin tops to the Muffin for caring so much to post a blog like this. I don't know Jacob well so I don't feel I could write a profile for him, but yours is da bomb. and Jacob, I do have a friend who met someone on one of those sites and she's very happy...(for now). Muffin- he needs to quit dogging on himself. Just saying~

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  13. UMMMMMMMM!!!! @JACOB YES, I AM YELLING AT YOU RIGHT NOW...WTF???? WOW, DO YOU REALLY THINK I AM THAT EASY??? JUST BUY ME A PLANE TICKET AND I WILL SPREAD MY LEGS...JESUS! WTF!!!! THAT'S SOME F'ING BULLSHIT RIGHT THERE...WOW, SO MUCH FOR CHIVALRY, GUESS IT REALLY IS DEAD...WOW, I FEEL LIKE YOU JUST BITCHED SLAPPED ME WITH THE LABEL 'WHORE' OR 'EASY SLUT FUCK BUNNY' THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD OF SAID...UGHHH THIS IS WHY I SWEAR OFF MEN, CAUSE OF SHIT LIKE THAT! ASSUME MUCH JACOB???? hey, i thought we were friends, no need to diss me like that!
    and no, this isn't my 'periods' talking right now, this is the indignant side of me that says where the fuck did that come from? holy hell, this is turning out to be one fan-fucking-tastic day! it's saying that kind of shit that will help to NEVER GET YOU LAID...yes even the coolest of women will balk at something like that!

    sorry for yelling on your comments board muffins but really? that's some fucked up RUDE shit right there and i just couldn't help myself, had to retaliate a little!
    GRRRR!

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  14. Oh, for... it was a running joke for the past couple of months. Sorry, everyone. I need to see to a friend in private now.

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  15. OH MY! Its time to write a new Blog!

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  16. Before I go back over to the New Blog to look for Comments...I would like to Say:
    Jacob: The movie needs to be funny...My kinda Funny...Next Next Blog Topic = My Kind Of Funny

    Angi: Can I call you Angi or Ang cuz Onreeone takes to long to type...Thanks! You actually know more about him then you let on....and Yes Zach minus Sideburns...='s Loum!

    Womb...Awe Crap! I never ever apologize for my blogs...Ask Ang, I do how ever feel like I may have encouraged the run a way comment because I did suggest a "coupling" between you two...I dont think he meant the comment perhaps as harshly as it was received and he would never be so ungentlemanly as to blame your menses for your offensiveness...He would never stoop so low! I think he was asking for a loan to fly you to Texas where he would have greeted you with a Blue Bonnet Lia and two kisses on each cheek...Its all part of the Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy campaign...??? Perhaps???

    Loum: You did know the State Flower of Texas was the Blue Bonnet RIGHT?????

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  17. OOOOHHHHH and Womb....Dont Swear off Men....Woman can be total fucking cunty bitches!

    Just ask any of us!

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  18. @ Jacob, i am sure that comment was meant to be something akin to funny or whatever, but it just came off as crude to me...ongoing joke or not...that was well over the line of where our joking has gone...whatever happened to'hey i will just be your friend unless you give me the go ahead for more????' i feel like you are pushing my limits at this point and i need to cool off for a while with talking to you

    @ muffins LOL no man should ever blame anything on 'the periods' cause as we all know that only makes us go on 'the periods' even harder and we become hungry angry dinosaurs that i will write a post about right now on my blog so that you can really understand the full extent of what i am talking about even though i am sure you already do...
    i have also come to the conclusion that men can be even bigger cunty bitches, the biggest ones in the world...they are just better at hiding it behind beer, pornography and sports games, but take those three elements away and you have your self the queen of the megasaurauscuntybitches...so hitting for the other team doesn't seem so bad in that case
    xo ---> that actually means i will kill you dead (x) while mouthing the word OHHHH (o) with a smile on my face...now you know ;o)

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  19. Well I hope it all works out in your favor Trish, Heres to hoping it does!

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  20. Trish is about as firey as you Brandie. and No, you will never say your sorry even if u r. I believe we have all came along way since that was written....yes you too Teek!. Just call me Ang--its even shorter, just like me. and Teek--would you blog already girl?

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  21. She may be Fiery Ang, but I do believe I can call an over reaction when I see one. Drama In The Blogs!!!! This whole situation has prompted a Mighty Muffin Blog! The bigger person in a conflict always acts the most gracious sister, and My blogs are written always for me first, and then ego second...Grace comes somewhere there after! Cant anyone EVER say I don't speak my mind and feel quite passionately at times when I do it!

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  22. Well...everyone sees things differently and she obviously was offended by his comment. Hope the drama in the blog has turned out with those involved coming out unscathed. Wow--Drama and not mine~whew. Yes Miss Muffin, I personally know how passionate you can be. Theres something to say about loyalty and unconditional love, I respect those qualities in you.

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