Monday, November 14, 2011

Karma is a Bitch and Misery is her Sister!

Tired of the FIGHT? 
A quick How to ...STOP!
From the Economy, to Ex's, to seems lately that every day has become a fight...of one magnitude or another!
So Ive taken the time I needed to clean out my emotional closet of crap carrying luggage, and get back into real prospective!  
Ill fix what I can to maintain my LIFE...everything else is beyond my control so Ill let it go....sorry if that means to you that  Im unavailable to feel bad for you anymore! You made your bed with cheap sheets and shitty pillows...I dont have to lie in it with you! I am only responsible for ME! If you have a bad day, trip, marriage, job, bank account or cup of coffee...well that's on YOU! I refuse to have Marital issues, a shitty Job and crap coffee just so you don't feel alone in your misery! As an EXAMPLE of course!
We all need to take stock in our Hoarding of "Feelings" and reevaluate our philosophies on a regular bases and Ive decided that my winter clean out has arrived...I needed to review the basics of... Bitchy, One OH One!

How to Fight Fair:

No such thing...this isn't boxing its primarily the art of debate. IF YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT then hands down no argument needed! So as far as the "Fight" goes...know when to hold em and know when to fold em....if the person you are fighting with is Blind and a Moron...You'll always end up looking like a jerk...not to the blind person, cuz well... they cant see, and since they're a moron anyway... do you really care what they think?
You do look like a jerk though, to the scores of friends and family you go bitching to, about this Blind Dumb-ass...with your knowledge and theirs too... that you are probably ALWAYS fighting with this person and likely the fights are always the same...Ask your self this question: If this person didn't exist tomorrow would I cease to exist as well? If the Answer is Yes their Death would cause my Death...then carry on... keep fighting the good fight! Your survival depends on it! If the Answer is: NO, if this person died tomorrow I would in fact still be living and breathing (with the exception of fighting with this person) on a daily basis then I say Cut your losses...Just make sure when you do you don't cut their Juggler vein too...Jail isn't a good time, from what I saw while watching Lock Up on MSNBC!
How to Control Shit:

Pepto-bismol! It may not control all the Shit but it will at least slow the flow of the shit...Sometimes that's all we need to regain ourselves! We need the flow to slow so we can cope! If WE INDIVIDUALLY are adding shit to our shit...and then adding to that, everyone else's shit...Well its gonna spiral and quick! You will loose control of the all things you can control! 
Knowing what you can control is the key! IE: YOUR REACTION! Your commitment to remain uninvolved in drama and darkness, and your ability to see your way out! These are truly all that we control in our lives! Oh we think we've got a handle on everyone else's Shit...After all, you believe you are just a witness to their shit...Consider this though...If I keep hearing about your dysfunction, (or you mine)...You really are polluting my space (and perhaps your space with my dysfunction) and by definition of Pollute...You and I get bogged down, and that's going to have an Affect/Effect!
YOU REALLY DO ONLY CONTROL THE THREE THINGS MENTIONED above! Attempting to control more then those three things never works! It results in YOU kidding yourself, and thus finding yourself several days or weeks from now wishing you had taken stock and handled YOUR shit! You will be left having wished you left others Shit alone too!  
Misery doesn't love company...SHE LOVES DRAMA! 
Karma is a Bitch and Misery is her Sister! Thats the truth!
Loving other peoples Drama makes our seem, less Drama~Ish! Sharing our Drama makes us feel Important...As in: "oh yeah I got Drama so I must count for something"...What you have is Negative Energy that you are rubbing all over the poor sap who answered your call! That poor Sap answered because they care about you! Don't rub shit on people who care about you! 

How to Fix it:

So to my Poor Saps in the last thirty days...Send me your dry cleaning bill...My shit removal had to be expensive...The least I can do is foot the bill!

I OWN my part in creating Drama, stirring the Drama...and sharing the Drama...
I refuse to add to the Drama anymore...If I don't like something that directly has a result on my physical person, I will stand up for ME. Otherwise...I'm not going to even react...except to take pause and remind myself that only I control my reaction!
My kids are Grown, My Husband is Grown, My friends are Grown. Ill handle my shit and they can all handle theirs!

This has been confessed to you by the Muffin.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Im a Hooker for the Feedback! And other Blog Confessions:

Why, Yes... that is a Camel Toe!
Ok...Whats going on in the Muffins World that leaves the club with  two blogs from me in one week?...I know its almost like Im back in the blog me, Ive not quite gotten over the saddle ass I acquired from the earlier blog this week!
 While on the phone with One Day At A Time yesterday, (which Im sorry to report Totaled her car) I mentioned that Google searches for a few odd things brings readers in ....She stopped me from speaking and said "You fucking blogged?" (She has a dirt mouth!) "You haven't fucking written in like a year." (I cant remember now if she let the f bomb fly twice, so for the sake of a potential misquote we're leaving it in...Its TOTALLY something she would say!)
I said yeah "I know, I was going through a lil something over the summer," and since blogging it out has helped me in the past, I thought... why not dust off the keyboard and put it out to the bloggerific's that stalk visit my page!

I can see you!
So I blogged.................As most blog whores do, I prefer to see feedback! As a lot of blog voyagers dont leave feed back, ie: COMMENTS AT THE BOTTOM....I have to get my comment fix via Feedjit.
Not that I can see opinion there...however, I can see who has visited, and for a good time, I can also see how they have arrived! I see what search engine they've used ie: Facebook, Google, Bing, Yahoo link, or even  if it came through an email link!
The coolest thing you might not care about is, I can see the operating system of their devise and the country they are from !So I do visit my blog several times on the day of post, to see if Im generating traffic!

The other thing I do to keep things Blogger Friendly is post pictures. People like pictures! I also post videos...People like videos....and I also attempt to keep the written word less then 1200 words...because People dont stop by to read novels...they stop by for the novelty!

Unless they have Googled some obscure something or other and happen to find my page!

Such as "A Turd Slid Out" or "Yoga Camel Toe"
 and of course "Muffin Recipes".

So now you have all my secrets...

Well, maybe not quite all of them!

Love and other indoor sports,

Video that applies below....and below that is the comment section....lets make a party there shall we?

Monday, October 24, 2011

Where the Hell Have I Been all My life? Empty Nest...My life without chaos!

Well if "All my life" has only been since April 2011...then I can say for certain Ive been Off the radar! I have had the most emotionally challenging six months! Thank the Goddess too, because I have found a new resolve and a renewed faith in all that is Muffiny! 

Without going into too much detail, we wanna keep it positive after all! And, since I am learning and growing from the experience, Ill simply say: Self exploration  has kept me away!

Ive been learning several things this summer about myself....and Empty Nest Syndrome! Enough about it, to know that its REAL! I have taken this time away to kinda; eat cake and cry by myself! When your bird flies the nest, even for a short while, you find yourself enjoying the break, you often look forward to it! My little bird flew the nest for a 5.5 month accelerated course in High School and the military! He left July 10 for Military school in Northern Florida, where he is treated as an enlisted bootcampee...except, they go to high school while there!

Several people assume this is just for Bad Kids...and it benefits a bad kid I'm sure, but Lil E isn't that BAD KID you'll concern yourself about! He is very smart and was even dual enrolled in college while in Public High School! He was quite excited to have the opportunity and even made Deans list the first semester!
However, as most kids approach their JR and Sr year, some students often find other things to take priority over their education! (Girls, Party's, Poker, Rock n Roll....those things!) Eric being one of those students...found himself Back at the High School! Full time and not happy the Third Semester (Which was the 2nd Semester of his Jr year!) Eric didn't take the high road here either! He went back dragging ass and dragging feet! My thought was "good! now that you got a little taste of the freedom, that you may have taken advantage of. You'll work harder to get it back and appreciate it when you have it!" Right?
(Although the thought was in my head...and made perfect sense~)WRONG! He was still in a different mind set, he was in screw it mode!

Eric realized and verbalized that HE ABSOLUTELY hated high school! The classes are boring and not fast paced the college the classes were 90 minutes long and twice a week...a quicker pace and less "CLASS" time. ( remember up there...I mentioned his new found freedom?) Well, due to his new found freedom at the college level, Eric found himself in class less often then he should have been, and the privilege of Dual Enrollment was revoked!  He is my Kid! Stubborn isn't just a creek in Egypt...this kid was digging in and ready for the long haul tantrum...He was yelling HOME SCHOOL....I'm yelling "Christ you didn't go to school when you were suppose to...Now you want home school?" Where it becomes my sole responsibility to make sure all the assignments required for graduation were done and submitted?" Hell, I don't even have a college degree and the State of Florida will let me "Learnt" my own kid? I'm gonna be hearing crap the rest of my life about how maybe I should've done this instead of that when he becomes a parent...Ill have to take responsibility for his smarts or lack of if I "LEARNT" him! Nope! Not interested! Better come up with Plan B!
So I/we had to create an alternative! Trust me finding alternative to your 7 classes a day girl/boy drama that would work for Eric, on an accelerated level , that did not include HOME SCHOOL... Not easy! What we found was..."This school" that was established for kids that were at risk for NOT graduating! ie: Broken home and Gang Kids...Im thinking really? For Eric? I was concerned that we'd have to knock over a liquor store just to meet the "At Risk" requirements!
So we embarked none the less: minus the robbery!
23 page application, Essay and Board of Directors interview with retired military officers...over whelming and intimidating...That was the alternative we found!
Eric applied and was accepted to this "high school military academy". It accelerates the whole Senior Year into 5.5 months, has a rigorous physical fitness element and incorporates the Army National Guard schedule into his High School Curriculum and includes a PROM!

 So hes up at 4:45 and running through the motions of an enlisted military mans life! Hes doing well...Mom not so much! Im only allowed to speak with him for 5 minutes now twice a week! Ive only seen him twice since July 10th. He was home for a 4 day placement pass but his homework and his community service project took up all of his time. I got a good 10 hours of down time with him and twice had to go to the gym with him to just to spend time with him. Which I love going to the Gym but I'm not "Gym Social"
It was becoming obviously clear to me that My Son was becoming a Man, and a Man don't need his Momma! So there you have it I'm feeling unneeded...except when I get the call or letter that says Send Stamps, Envelops, toiletries and white strips!
It gets worse then just empty nest syndrome ...This is a permanent step to his overall independence...through all of this I'm realizing that December 10th My 17 year old will graduate from High School...6 months ahead of his class and with 9 college credits under his belt....And a new found determination TO JOIN THE MILITARY! I don't want him to enlist! Its obviously clear that it really isn't about what I want ....
Screetch.....Blog tires skidding out of control....His very smart brain, his want to get through this program and his attention to the detail that this experience would not only look good on a resume, but a college application ...coupled with the fact that he ACED the stupid Military test they gave him...My kid is making choices for his future regardless of my existence and insistence that he stay my baby forever!
I failed to raise an underachiever....SHIT! What was I thinking?
I meant.... Don't try your hardest!...Stay home and live off me forever, because I don't want you to grow up!
Says the broad that doesn't have her unemployed 30 year old son watching porn in the basement at 2 in the afternoon!
It had to happen I suppose....his growing up...

All of which makes me very proud and a little depressed!
So thats where Ive been....

Thanks for checking in !

Mommy Muffin...for only a few more months!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Saved a Betties Blog~ Its a Repost

Friday, March 5, 2010
Is it Getting Better?
SO I find myself at a crossroads of sorts...I'm forty, there is just a few months left before I say I'm forty one and then only 12 additional months until I'm 42...Time is flying by...I have just experienced my first significant death as an adult, of a Peer (I love you Brian, R.I.P.) He was 41, and now I really wonder... is this as good as it gets? Will I ever truly realize my dream of living outside of the continental US? Will I start reading the Obits on a daily basis?

Should I begin to compile my Bucket List?
Will the World End 12/12/12?

Having had, my Grandmother, my Aunt and my friend, all given the news of a terminal illness...and a knowledge of their time for passing being so near, I am amazed at the grace with which they each faced it. As strong as I think I am, I begin to wonder... am I really all that strong? Would I ride a Bull if I thought I only had a limited time left? My Aunt Wrote letters, My Grandmother Spent time with each of her Grandchildren individually, and Im not sure what Brian did for his Family or Children individually, but for his friends he did give and make special time. And when your time is limited as each of theirs was, you realize there is no more precious of a gift then the time that they shared! See... even now with all that looming in my head, and as depressing as it all seems, I find myself wanting to crack a joke! I want to shake my fist at fate and say "Fuck You!" I firmly believe that I am who I choose to be, I am the keeper of my dreams and the do-er of my desires....I will run off with Hunka into seclusion one day! Time has no meaning because I am still young! Ok... So My Tits don't listen...There are Dr's for that! I'm NOT Someones Grandma and I don't feel bad that I'm not so concerned with being someones Grandma someday either...Several of my Friends are Grandparents, Frankly to consider my self a Granny? Well that seems almost ludicrous to me. My carpet don't match the drapes people! The Drapery is gray with out dye...the carpet ain't, well whats left of it anyway! I hear downstairs turns gray too...You know in Granny Type Folks that is.

Neither David nor I care to much if we never become Grandparents! AND Not because we wanna keep the Carpet a luxurious Ebony Hue ... Really! I just don't see myself any different then I did at 25. (It took everything I had to not type 17....I really wanted to type 17 People!) That's not to say that if our Married child or unmarried children decide to spawn seeds, Demon or otherwise, that we wont feel anything for their off spring. I'm sure my entire prospective will change when that happens, I'm just saying, that if it never happens, Id be ok with it!
I have a 15 year old to get out of the house and then I do believe I'm checking the Fuck out! Luggage and Hunka In tow... Im off to some unknown Island where Earthquakes of an 8pt magnitude hit or Tsunami's are a true fear!
Just send me pictures of the Grand-kids....They'll still have a Grand-Dad on the Mainland....After all he'll still be raising his last child...Shes only 7 Months!

Funny how a death makes you realize you want to live!

So I wish you all LIFE! Lots and Lots of Life!

Thats all....

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

83...Thats the Number...On my way to Goatsville, I chatted with you!

This will be my 83rd 100 I will bust out the Goat! 

SO... whats new in the World O' Muffin?...
well besides a totally cool St Paddys name (ie: O'Muffin...just thought that up)...Not too much! I'm working like crazy to bring 3 contracts that have each independently fallen apart and miraculously pulled back together over the last several months to a close!  Seriously, One contract has been pending 5 months! That's Real Estate Speak for: OH MY GAWD I SO NEED PAID ALREADY!!!!

I called and Accused my Sister of Spelling me...She binded me when I got Married...So shes capable of VooDoo WhooDoo, Hexs dont have to be all bad either, there are good hexes although not by definition of the word!....Shes one of the sneaky bitches that talks shit up though! And I do mean SHIT...and now Im feeling all this crazy inward pressure ...Im not talking Gas...Im talking gut type... Soul Seeking... Inward Pain.... Plus, have yall looked outside? Moons got a Halo and that means a storm is coming! Hope not a Shit Storm! Some people are Drama...and by saying that I dont mean anyone Specific...OKAY? Just that when you are skipping along minding your own BeesWax on Occasion, Drama Happens and Happens to YOU! Ie: Me or Us ...well rather... Everyone....
More on that as it unfolds Im sure....

Oh Hells Yeah...Loum is Louming again with his crazy lists! I think he is a cross between Bill Gates and Rain Man with his need to list! Lists.....Speaking of Lists, I need to list all the shit I have to do before I leave outta here for Jessica's in the Morning! Blogging wasn't on that list! It is now though... Simply so I can cross it off! Makes me feel Accomplished! A Marked Off  List that is! I should come up with a few Lists...Top Five Opposites of Loums perhaps....Let me See...its his top five T's to Avoid in Texas...I'm lazy what the Eff...Top ten Five T's to Avoid in Florida:

Top 5 T's to avoid in Florida....................

One: TAN LINES Avoid them! Either go all white and no tan or get all nakid...Spray it on, or Fake and Bake it, I don't care...but nothing says Trashy like a strapless dress and a Tank Tan Line!

TWO: Trashy Tank Tops....Yes I suppose You "do have the Pussy" so you make the Rules...But Do I really need to see that walk by my lunch table while with clients? I suppose that makes you Witty and Uninhibited to wear that in public...It makes you a few other things as well, but Im too Lady Like to Say it here!

Three: ...Triangles and Tangles! Thats right! The wind Blown Look is sexy but ladies Brush your Hair...Ol Boy cant run his fingers through a rats nest! OH Yeah...&; Love Triangles, they're just all around messy...Avoid!

Four... Scented Tampons...Seriously If I want my Vajayjay to smell like Fresh Mountain Dew...Ill go Hiking, K?

Five and Finally: T Rex's.... we have them in Florida! Its True.. they are way fucking scarier then the Texas T Rex too!

Hang in and Ill let it all hang out!
Can we get a Blog Challenge going people?
Comment Down there...Follow Over there


Thursday, January 27, 2011

And the Award for LOL goes to.................

BransMuffin 2011

Thats Right Bitchessss ! I want to take a tiny blog moment and thank a few people and then as with everything in life I gotta pay this Bitch Forward....

So to my parents... We the Muffin Club want to say thanks for that likely drunken throw down yall did somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas 1968...Had it not been for your passion and no birthcontrol I likely would not be here! With that said, I do have what appears to be side effects of Drunken Fetal know I get the Stroke Eye when I've been drinking....Yeah ~Nice Assholes! Fucking thanks for that, too! Ever heard of NOT DRINKING WHEN PREGNANT MOM?  Seriously, My name is Brandie...not spelled w/a Y cuz they were trying to be clever....and if it was left up to my Dad Senior Chuckles my middle name would have been Alexandria ...Get it Brandy Alexanders? Bwahahahahaha... Shut the Fuck Up! I was their only PLANNED pregnancy....planned in the sense that they slurred...
Chuck: "oh shhhhhitz what if you gets prayghgnant" and the other one
Jackie: ..."I wanna hash your baby".......
Squeak goes the bed or kitchen table or whereever...they were married at the time
EWEEEEEEEE! Parent Sex! Fucking Gross!
Whatever! Thanks!

I also want to Thank Mr Oil Field Trash for the Nod of Appreciation! He put me on the spot though I feel like I have to be funny, in order to accept this award! Being Funny and having to Be Funny...NOT the same thing! So thanks Oilfield You AssHole...You made me work for it and currently Im not so sure a blog about my parents screwing and calling everyone Assholes is really considered funny....but WTF...Im including a Laugh track at the end of the blog!

And finally Thanks To My Readers and Yay!!! My New Readers! Hell the Fuck oooo new Bitchesssss! Thanks for stopping by and commenting or not commenting ...either way I have the tracker over there so I see you seeing me! Love to Ya!!!!!!!!

Ok so now I have to write shit about me you dont know....
*Currently Im holding back a throat full of Spaghettios...I seriously think I may Hurl!
*I am not above calling my Parents Drunks and Assholes....Oh Wait...You do know that!
*I haven't Showered yet today... Its almost 1PM eastern! LAZY!!!
*Ive only ever had sex with White Men, I dont consider myself racist either.
*I have two Back Up Husbands in mind, in case Hunka ever gets a hankering to leave me...Im a pretty good catch when Ive showered! He probably aint going nowhere though!
*I have seasonal depression when the temperature drops below 75...not Medically diagnosed, I said so though, so that makes it official!
*I have never had the urge to try Lesbianoge ... Why are so many people doing it? Like its Trendy to be a lesbian? real lesbians would kick a fake lesbians ass!

If you see your name congrats! You won the LOL award too!

Are You Serious? Midwestern Momma

Steam Me Up Kid

I Shoulda been a Stripper

Inappropriate Remarks

and this POST IN PARTICULAR at The Pits of Being Peachy!

And Y'all know OF COURSE!!!!!! Sara Swears A lot!

There are plenty of funny bloggers that I read...and I read some that arent Funny if your name isnt on the list it doesn't mean you suck just means you suck ass at being funny!


Monday, January 24, 2011

Made in America

I got this VIA Email...But its Important and I dont want to loose it!

Enjoy! Share,....Copy and Repost!!!

Subject: Made in USA
 A must read....reBuying 'made in USA'
A physics teacher in high school once told the students that while one grasshopper on the railroad tracks wouldn't slow a train very much, a billion of them would. With that thought in mind, read the following, obviously written by a good American.

Good idea .... one light bulb at a time ....
Check this out. I can verify this because I was in Lowe's the other day for some reason and just for the heck of it I was looking at the hose attachments. They were all made in China . The next day I was in Ace Hardware and just for the heck of it I checked the hose attachments there.  They were made in USA . Start looking. (note here: earlier this week, RZ was in Lowes looking for a sprinkler head. Looked at RainBird and Looked at Orbits. RainBird is made in Mexico; Orbits in the USA . Orbits purchased!!)
 In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects someone else - even their job . So, after reading this email, I think this lady is on the right track. Let's get behind her!

 My grandson likes Hershey's candy. I noticed, though, that it is marked made in Mexico now. I do not buy it any more.
 My favorite toothpaste, Colgate, is made in Mexico ... now I have switched to Crest. You have to read the labels on everything.
 This past weekend I was at Kroger. I needed 60 W light bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets. I was in the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE  brand I normally buy was an off-brand labeled "Everyday Value." I picked  up both types of bulbs and compared the stats - they were the same except  for the price. The GE bulbs were more money than the Everyday Value brand  but the thing that surprised me the most was the fact that GE was made in  MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was made in - get ready for this - the USA in a company in Cleveland, Ohio.
So throw out the myth that you cannot find products you use every day that are made right here.
So on to another aisle - Bounce Dryer Sheets. Yep, you guessed it... 
Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada. The Everyday Value brand was less money and MADE IN THE USA ! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years and at almost half the price!
My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA - the  job you save may be your own or your neighbors!
If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others in your address book so we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time! Stop buying from overseas companies!
 We should have awakened a decade ago.
Let's get with the program. Help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here in the U.S.A.

have passed this on. Will you?

Patriotic Muffin