Thursday, August 5, 2010

I lost my Woobie...

I recently read Leah Remedy's blog, shes the chick from King of Queens, Her blog was all about "Sophia" and her precociousness 3 year old Self....Sophia is Leah's daughter....Now let me tell you, Leah is a very pretty girl, it struck me though that with all the blessings she has... she focuses her blog on her if people are tuning into Leah for Parenting advise. Now... don't get me wrong...I totally respect that she is head over heels with her kid...Ive Birthed 2 and am jointly on the hook for 4 when asked the question "How many Children do you have". So I get the parenting part...its a big job...however...when self evaluating my employment as a parent I have basically come to the conclusion....I must utterly suck!
As a parent in many respects  I think I'm probably the most awesome-est ......but generally and far as the Mommy Clique would rate me...Its a thumbs down for Mommy Muffin...we can look at both sides I really don't mind:
Lets start with "Utterly Sucks"....Literally.... I don't really Like my kids.... as it appears (mommy clique standards) as much as other people do like their kids...Like I love them (my kids) and all but I don't Love~ Love, love them. (3 Loves people...that's like Stalker Mom Shit....)Again using Leah as the example of "Mommy Top the Charts"....she was so stressed out over weaning her kid from the bottle...(I'm like OK I get it some kids need eased into shit)...but this went beyond...Im talking STRESS...she lost sleep, she wanted to use her media presence to help other moms because there was an epidemic I suppose of Bottle Sucking Preschoolers, (I missed that news story)...and Leah thought a reality show was the way to go....I guess its title was gonna be Weaning or some shizzzzzzz....WTF??? My Oldest Sara was a Pacifier Baby and By age three we lost it...It Poofed and we Just couldn't find it anymore....She cried but she moved on...about the same time she woke up from her Cry Induced Coma to realize she could sleep without it. Weaning PFFFTTT!
Weaning isn't how life happens...well I can tell you from my experience...that Life doesn't ease you into shit very often...We ease into cold water, or ease into  hot water...we ease into our workout clothes~ You know  the day after a particularly vigorous work out.....but we normally don't get the option to ease into Change..So as I Utterly Suck.....I say take the effing bottle and throw the effer away! Sure the kid will cry a bit....but eventually it will get over it! Deal! I also never spoke baby bullshit gibberish to my kids either.....She (Leah) admitted to a two day "BaBa removal" taking the effing kid to Disneyland and telling her "only big girls got to be princesses and Ba Ba needed to be gone."...OK FUCK THAT...unless you are born with a fucking Royal title...don't let your kids assume they are due one....PS...If you do I can say with pretty much 100% accuracy... Your kids a Fucking Royal Pain in the Ass! That's about as Royal as they will get outta me...Just ask anyone within three feet of you and your tantrum throwing child!  
I just never spoke "baby" to my kids ...I just assumed they understood Grown Up! I also didn't give choices....well that's not true...they could take it or not take it....what ever I was offering....period. I didn't negotiate with my child...they have no need for those least not before High School....and only when deemed appropriate at that point...Just Sayin'. I suppose I should Mention that Sophia was Damn near four years old...SO probably she was still on the bottle because Sophia Rules The Roost at the Remini/Pagan Casa!

I'm not wanting this to turn into a lets berate Leah...or her adorable 4year old nipple chewer....Im just saying that children and tots need guidelines, they need rules, and they need beat...on occasion! I have a Sister or Two who believe that conversation is the way to "learn a child"....and Im just straight out the box... beat their Fucking Ass... No means No, and whining gets you crying~ cuz Imma Slap a Brat.... This concludes why I suck as a Parent....

Why I am Awesome as a parent....Because I set Tough YET Obtainable Goals for my children...well at least 2 of the 4...I can't say much about the two Middle children...I didn't birth 'em or raise em....but the two that I Birthed, Beat and set tough but obtainable goals for....have manged to turn out in better shape than most....SO FAR....knock on wood....cross my fingers and hand me that belt! Its my way, not their way...I set a tone for respect, I respect their human being long as they Follow the rules and respect the boundaries...they are free to do what ever else they choose.....I ask that they make good choices....consider the alternatives and be upfront and responsible for the choices they make...Neither of the children I birthed would ever say they Failed Because: (Insert Lame Excuse) they would say I failed. I would say how can you succeed next time? And they would say:(Insert some great Idea). Not that they are failures or experienced much failure....But I think its equally important to hold them accountable when they do fail. For further example: Im not blaming McDonalds For My Overweight Ass....and I'm not ordering a Number One (BIG MAC YUM!) with a Diet Coke to compensate for it. Hold Your Damn Kids accountable! Thats all Im saying!!! As an even further example that may hit very close to home and somewhat of a subliminal coded message: (if this is being read by the ENEMY MOTHER/CHILD)...I also dont feel bad that its almost your birthday and you only got a card! No gift or Money either...Nope I dont feel bad at all...NOT ONE FUCKING BIT! ..Morals to be learned from this lesson: Poor preforming employees don't get promoted....and.... Sometimes you get it exactly the way you wanted...You Know, AS AN EXAMPLE!

If my child ever told me to Fuck an example....I would essentially "fuck off". Provide the essential (or Court Ordered) Roof over their head, food on the table, and thats it....No rides to friends houses, no extras or Birthday gifts, and that money needed for the field trip...well you would have to earn it....I would not break~ and I would not give in until said Child BEGGED my forgiveness and sincerely gave an effort to apologize...In writing! Because.... what life doesn't give you is DO Overs....and allowing a child to treat you like shit, gives the child permission to treat society like shit and like it or not YOUR CHILDREN ARE A REFLECTION! That's not to say that good Parents don't have Bad Kids...Oh they do....but more often then not... Bad Parents Have Bad Kids....Don't believe me? Ask the parents of the Columbine Shooters they were good Parents who had Bad Kids....KKK and Skin Head Militias...=....Bad Parents and Bad Kids...So you see..Mommy Clique'ers and Woobie Advocates, and Ex Wife of my husband....You want to raise your children to LIKE you....thus you allow their poor behavior...and Giving into the behavior of an ill mannered child simply because you don't want them to not like you ....isn't character building and YOUR CHILD WILL NOT adapt well as an adult....If I have anything to do about it, Your Ill manner Child will not benefit via that poor behavior least not from my sweat equity in the relationship... I, "Fucked Off" at your request.....Just Say'in!

XO Meanie Mommy Muffin


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  2. Ha! Screwed up the formatting on my own comment. Try this again...

    You are one bad mother- (Shut yo mouth!) Just talking 'bout Muffin!

  3. Rule the roost you do. Your kids are great.

  4. Kudos and Muffin Tops all the way around. I could have wrote this post myself. In fact, I heard some of me in this one. I do not believe in giving in and as my father taught me...No meant No and don't ask again or that belt would come right off. In fact, I think he wore it just incase it needed used cause it sure as hell wasn't to keep his pants up. Call me a mean mom if ya will cuz just this past summer my son had to pay for his summer school. He didn't think it was fair, but like I told him....I paid once already this year for you to learn. You chose to fuck off and flunk the class so now you can pay for it. As I have always told my kids...I always love you but sometimes I sure as hell don't like ya. Great Post--I LOVE IT~

  5. Jeeze this bastad' needed editing! ....

    Loum: I am one Bad Mother!
    Teek: I do Rule the Roost...Your kids are so good for me! Its cuz Im MEAN!
    ONREONE: Well Im lucky enough to have gotten through Sara with only minor injuries, Eric and I just had a very serious talk about his efforts in School...we need scholarship money if he plans on the University Of Miami and Im willing to work for his Car payment and Insurance If he can pull a 4.0 for the next two years...So we shall see....
    Im also a Step Monster and have the luxury of not sharing the same State as my Husbands Ex...more on that later!

  6. Sounds very fair and an obtainable goal if he want's it. What a good mommy muffin you is SHIZ. I had to read this one to Kacie and Zach and both said....she sounds just like you.:)

  7. Your a good muffin mommy.
    Leah.. not my cup of tea.

  8. Angie, I dont know if I sound just like you...But I do Sound Just Like Me...and can tell you that I dont play! What I say I mean! and sometimes its MEAN...Im a really sweet jerk though!

    Leah isnt really mine either...I loved her when she was on Whos the boss and King of Queens was fabulous....I liked her Spunky~ness! Her pregnancy made her reasonable...I think she was a little too full of Leah, before Sophia!

  9. LOVE!

    Jesus, you've pretty much said what most of us want to say when it comes to the Mommy Clique. Or, maybe it's just me.

    PS: I have a woobie (although it's a nice green blanket with my name embroidered on it). Touch it and you die.