Monday, October 11, 2010

Weight loss ... Arggggg!

Its been a while since I blogged my weight loss journey...That's because I haven't lost much weight...I'm frustrated! Using the Picture to the Left as an example, I have to say I look Fat...never mind that Karen and EJHJ both look like they could use a few Hot Meals worth of weight...Im also NOT writing this for compliments of how beautiful or not fat I look to you the reader! Im serious as a heart attack when I say I look fat...There are plenty of FAT people in my family and I don't look as FAT as some of them...But just saying...the hefty is in the DNA and I'm serious about wanting to buy an eating disorder at the local pharmacy...When I was in High School my family thought I had an eating disorder, I did not! I had issues that were I never felt Hunger...I always woke up fairly early and had plenty of energy. I would just not eat because I didn't feel hungry and so I would go sometimes a day or two with out eating anything significant. Also large quantities of food in one place would just nauseate the hell out of me...Thanksgiving and Family Sit-downs where all the food and you are basically on the table at once...Yeah I couldn't do that! Id eat away from the table the breakfast bar...where all the food wasn't.

Id have  Coffee and a Cigarette for Breakfast and a Coke and a Cigarette for Lunch and I would usually eat what ever was made at Home for dinner, but not a lot because I wasn't hungry...I did want to avoid the comments about not eating or being to thin that would come from my Aunt or I ate a little of what ever and did my best to avoid the topic.When I got married and lived on my Own we ate a dinner that always consisted of a meat, a starch, and a veggie...but nothing over the top too fancy or rich in sauce or flavor. I had a husband (EJHS) who would always say...You need to get some meat on your bones...I seriously tried gaining weight early in our marriage because I didn't want to hear his mouth run! So Until I was preggers with EJHJ I was pretty thin. Often times too thin! I think I probably had a thyroid problem...perhaps its was over active! Oh what I wouldn't give to have that now! Perhaps this is my true midlife crisis...I need to make some serious cash so that I can buy my skinny! I think that it would just be easier to have it sucked out and lifted up and implanted...I dont care if there is a little pain involved! No Pain No Gain right?

In the mean time I guess I'll have to keep on Keeping on the weight loss journey by working out and managing what I eat! Back in the day...I was never a sweet snacker, though that's changed about me now.  I totally crave sweets now! Its a Carb thing I think.  The more carbs I consume the more sugar I want. As I recall (and its my opinion that counts here...) I was always pretty pleasant to be around too (not so anymore...I'll bite your head off chew it and then spit it at you!)...I wasn't an over dramatic person until I was in my Late Twenties and early thirties and I think that is when I was at my most obsessed with my weight also this is when my codependency became amazingly obvious...but only now as I look back do I recognize that at the time. I didn't even know what codependency was. With all that rambling...I'm feeling a weight obsession lurking...not dramatic tendencies mind you but, Im really starting to freak out....Ive been working out a minimum of 3/4 days a week for 11 weeks In the 6th week I took a week off because I was sick (well I actually was injured) and frustrated that I was in the gym but the scale wasn't showing it...Everyone says Muscle weighs more then Fat...but I gotta tell you this from an honest spot in my heart...the eight pounds I have lost... are truly lost somewhere...I cant see a significant difference! (That's it 8 pounds 11 weeks and Im not happy about it!)Where I use to be able to see it....Face and waist ...when Id drop a few pounds ..Im not seeing it there...

Where I have noticed is in my back...Less Back fat and around my arm pits....less  fat hanging out of the bra in the arm pit region. Ladies you know what I'm talking about...But my Arms look like thighs to me and my face looks Bloated and all fat Elvis~esk...Like Cujo or a Rottweiler! Is there an exercise for your face?  I keep looking for things to keep me a small difference in the waist of my pants...they aren't tight anymore...but they aren't falling off me and requiring me to buy new either! Ive taken to watching myself lift weights...I watch for the muscle to flex...I look for the smallest dimple of difference. I can tell you why people give in and give up...because the process is too slow! The economy is not conducive to weight loss either...when money gets tight we eat cheap and eating cheap usually means sucking down the carbs! So should I blame a Sucky Economy? Should I blame my Diet and Consumption of I just not being honest with myself or has entering my 40's become the real reason I cant loose the weight? When I quit smoking I was positive I would not allow myself to gain more then 10 pounds...25 pounds later Minus 8 that I just lost...I am thinking OK should I start smoking again to loose the weight? I never really got past the stopped smoking smoking urges...I still wanna smoke even two years after I I know without a doubt that I don't think I can quit a second time...especially IF smoking causes me to loose ...cuz here's the deal...when I was smoking I thought I looked fat looking back at the Photos I think I looked thinner then....BUT in real time back then, I thought I looked fat~ PERIOD. Does that make sense?

No Back Fat and My arm Looks thinner
Over Exposure makes you thinner
                                                                                                                  I loved my wedding dress....the day I bought it....the day of my wedding I had damn near a melt down...I looked like a lopped ~over skinned ~fatty...there are only 2 pictures of me in that dress that I actually liked....One was over exposed so I looked thinner because the dress blended with the background and the one where Hunka and I were looking into each others eyes...My arm looked thin and I had what appears as no blatant back fat! Someone once mentioned that we play to our own invisible audiences...that may be true...but I have to tell you that my invisible audience is a bunch of mean ass bullies! Im gonna end up one of those heavy girls that over does her hair and makeup to keep from feeling unattractive. You know the girl everyone says:    "OH she has such a pretty face".....Yeah Imma end Up...That Girl! Is there a Real Mirror I can buy so that I see myself the way my probably lying friends see me....You know as in ..."OMG Brandie You're Not Fat!"
Im sure I have some Body Dis-morphia going on...but I dont think its so much dimorphic as it is mortified that Im getting FAT! Ugh! I even fished for a compliment from Hunka...I said...Do you notice a difference in me since I started working out...its been a solid 3 months now? He replied...Like Where DO you mean? I was like Ok thats the answer right there ... there is no difference.... So knowing he can be a bit slow sometimes I said...well like in my back maybe or even in my face a little? He reached out and pinched my the "Chop" region of my shoulder and said You mean right there(Pinch Pinch)...Yeah I guess there is less fat there now....I was mortified...I felt so unattractive at that moment...I should've married Sir Mix A Lot! I cant be mad at him though he was trying to be honest...SIGH....So, Its back to the gym I go!

Signing off as a Super Sized Muffin Head....and Im not talking Ego Bitchess!

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