Friday, December 3, 2010

Im a total Christmas Dick! I want 8 More Inchs...AND I WANT IT NOW!

So back in the Day...when I wasn't Jewish, was a satin worshiper, was a Christmas Nympho... I was married to Husband Number 1...and Yes I'm am counting them...I don't care if Husband Two is nervous about it and Husband Three likely wont even be able to control his bowels  my new found love of Vodka so he better make good money...(I'm a Grey Goose Girl! The Thirty Dollar Bottle will fit in a stocking, Just saying!)
I would get all in the Holiday Spirit and decorate the house, the Tree, the Fireplace, the Dog,...anything that sat in one spot long enough was promptly tinseled and bowed...That's how I rolled....Elvis Presley Christmas was blasting on the Alpine Boom Box (Don't Hate! I wasn't rich! Fuckers!) Cookies were cooking in the oven and I was planning the joys of Christmas Morning ...The minute I woke up on Veterans Day! That's Right! VETERANS DAY! I started all the Christmas leg work...because the Day After Thanksgiving was when the Tree went up... all 9 ft of her skinny yet tall pre-lited beautiful self! The Saturday after Thanksgiving was my annual Sex Toy Hen Party! So the House had to be Done! Husband One would climb on the Roof and Hang my lights from the Highest Reversed Gable and the Holiday spirit was upon us!
And so with the Passing of Husband One..(Hes not Dead...YET!) and the entry of Husband traditions had to be set....So.....Off I went to purchase the tall skinny cousin of my previous pre-lited tree...9.5 Feet cuz suck it Husband One...I wanted more and so I gotta whole 'nother 5 inchs! (Don't you kid yourself either Bitches...BIGGER IS ALWAYS BETTER!) Adorned her with Blue and Silver and Glass and Gold ornaments threw the Elvis Blue Christmas CD in the Computer...(still no effing stereo) and proceeded to Cry...and Be Miserable every Christmas Since! With the Exception of Christmas 2004 when for a brief moment I was so zooted outta my mind on Amaretto and whatever that funny smelling cigarette was my sister had...that I enjoyed myself for a minute...But that was all just 60 seconds...cuz  then I walked in my room and came face to face with My Brother in laws very White Ass...ooooo don't let me wander too far off the Christmas path....another Blog for another Day....Where was I? Oh Yeah....I hate Christmas in general now that my family was ripped apart by divorce and mayhem, so much so that I make a project out of being a miserable bitch as holiday happy as possible...and this year I have to fake the funk...even harder...cuz Tree 2 took a shit last year and when the ornaments came off and the tree came down... we had to make the decision to throw it away! The pre-lits weren't and the Overall heat and Humidity had done a number on the nylon pine needles and the Silk Wrap around the Branches looked like Old  Sistah Weave gone wrong....It was Time! The tree was disposed of!
So I now have to find a new Tree...Grrrrr... I hate Christmas...UNTIL.... Husband Two tried really hard to redeem the holiday for me by saying....Hey Brandie....I found you a great 10FT tree, I have a Buddy who was gonna get rid of it, they just don't have the room....I was like.... WTF for Reals? Squeeee!!!! I was so Happy I made potty a happy dance!  I was like Yea Yea Chucka Chucka... Twist Twist..Whoop Whoop....That happy dance was all DWTS Bristol Palin can Suck it ....and then slowly slowly slowly it came all came crashing to a Halt! As I look Upward....Tears Welling in my eyes...Gone Was My 11 ft Cathedral Ceiling ...My 9 ft 3in ceiling of first Husbands house is now being adorned by first husbands second wife..(Oh thats right... Im counting his wives too! He couldnt make me Happy and Im so low maintenance Im like an army way in hell hell find his happily ever after....)
It dawns on me....I dont think that ceiling is ten feet tall..........OMG! I DONT THINK ITS TEN FEET TALL...quick Husband Two~ how tall is the fucking ceiling? He says its taller then nine feet...But we'd be lucky if its 9.5....Im now Screaming GET A MEASURING TAPE.........9Ft 2 Inchs! An INCH Smaller then Husband 1's...8 Inches shorter then the tree................Ive never been so pissed off about 8 inches in all my days! Did I mention I HATE CHRISTMAS? More if this story doesnt make you want to tie yourself to train tracks......the Ten Foot Tree somehow became a FAT 7.5 Christmas Spruce in a Ten Foot Christmas Box! Really? A Fat Squat Tree....who the Eff wants a Fat Squat ~Trailer Looking Tree? I don't care how very little it costs! OMG! OMG! OMG! Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Ive officially become a Tall Two Year Old!

Seriously! I'm not Kidding! I couldn't make this shit up!
I quit! Fuck Christmas! Somebody hand me the Vodka!

Crusty Muffin!


  1. My Daughter Hates Elvis Christmas Music because frankly she is Satin...So my Son made her the video above a couple years ago...That tree is the tree I threw away! Tear!

  2. I do love me some Goose. I used to always say "the Goose is Loose" when I would be drinking it.

  3. Me too! I also get my Goose Cooked! Blahahahahaha

  4. I love you Crusty Muffin! You make me laugh when I don't really want to.

  5. Well that blog takes me back to my old perspective on the fucking december holidays!!! Quite frankly who needs a fucking christmas tree anyway!!! Now that all the kids are grown up honestly "Who Cares about Christmas". So all you 11 MONTHS OF THE YEAR ASSHOLES! can spread cheer, goodwill, hope, give charity for one month a year! Try putting that shit out there all year long.Please!!! Your all hypocrites!!!

    Re-living christmas pasts!!!
    Joyfully yours!!
    2nd Husband

  6. Well I was hoping the Humor had been found...but you found it sad...I can see that too...I dont think their All Hypocrites...But I agree most of them are! Your Christmas Pasts really Sucked...You should not relive those to often dear! Thanks for Never Reading My Blogs til Today!
    Your Loving 3rd Wife
    ~ Still Crusty

  7. They're...not Their...No Coffee and its almost Noon! Geesh!

  8. Well Happy Effing-Xmas, everybody! I'm with David on this one. People are so full of shit all year long, and then the end of the year comes around so they put on a facade to make up for everything else. Its a shame that they think this is how they should be one time out of the year and then fuck the rest of it.

    Incidentally, I seen something new this year: holiday chew toys for pets. Really? "Here, boy! We got you a Baby Jesus to get you in the holiday spirit."

  9. great background you have here!


  10. Wow Loum! Merry Effin to you too! Glad we are all of such Holiday Cheer!

    Lemmiwinks...You must like simple...cuz thats my background! Welcome I now Follow you!