Monday, January 3, 2011

All about The Mind Fuck and Oh how it hurts so good!

I'm a pretty confident cookie! The scariest thing I ever did as a Big Girl was leave my first marriage! I had a plan... it started out in 1/4 mile increments and I arrived 700+ Miles  later a new person, scared to look back, afraid to look to forward...everyone said it'll get easier ... and in some ways it did and in some ways it got harder... Ive had people say OMG! You're so Strong, How'd you do it??? Well go back and reread... It appears I ran away! It worked for me...its a bit of a chickenshit way to do it...but it worked for me, as did setting goals! I set myself up for long range success..."Gotta be strong" was what I told myself everyday for 2+ years...I also compiled a list of things I would Mind Fuck Myself with in order to Keep Moving Forward and Not Look Back:

Tattoo ...Check... Check... Check! Cuz dang you cant get just one! I always heard people say you get addicted to ink...Well its true!!! It also was something My EX disapproved of...so I got the First one out of spite and to give me strength... Because I could never go back if I had a Tattoo...I got the Other two because I LIKED IT! The only thing keeping me from looking like Jesse James' next Girlfriend is the business I'm in! Seriously I would be covered in them if it were more readily accepted! Tattoo 4 will be a Rib Wrap to my back and will incorporate My first Tattoo...cuz after 6 years of it being on my back... Ive come to this realization: THE REASON I PUT IT THERE PISSES ME OFF! If I wanted to color myself like a Fun pad I should have! No man will ever have the say over what I do with my body! So Dear Tattoo Number 1, I looked at you really closely today, and I decided...I don't really like you....YOU'VE got to Go!!!
Artists Apply at Bransfun@yahoo.com please!!! I have tattoos on my ribs so for you tatted up people please don't tell me that is the worst place to put them...I know it hurts like hell... and Its my opinion the more the Tattoo hurts the happier it makes me!  Which scares me a little...cuz um, I'm thinking I like the pain! Which adds to this part of the blog: Tattoos are Mind Fucks that HURT SO GOOD!!!

In finding my inner control freak....I too Decided I would not smoke ever again....OK, well I did smoke a Cigarette...Ok 2... On November 24th and 25th 2010! YES I DID and I LOVED EVERY DAMN MINUTE OF IT....'cept it made my hair stink...I didn't like that part! I realized that its really easy to smoke after having quit for almost Three years...TOO EASY...actually Those Cigarettes...Both of them were fantastic...Euphoric...BETTER THEN SEX... AND I THINK IVE HAD SOME PRETTY GREAT SEX!
I absolutely must NOT ever smoke another Cigarette! If you Smoke and I try to Bum one, You tell me NO!!!!! Someone once said to me when I inquired about the possibility of even one cigarette making a born again previous smoker, smoke again..."No you'd have to smoke like a pack before the Old Habits returned or the craving for the Nicotine kicked in....One cigarette wont hurt ya! It'll probably make you sick!"  Well person who told me that...the actual drag and inhale off that first cigarette was ecstasy! It did not make me sick, it did not give me a BUZZ perhaps because I was already Buzzing from Vodka...it filled me with a warm fuzzy...like a Home Again Feeling....So I decided the Next Night NO VODKA...to smoke another one...GUESS what.....It did not make me sick, it did not give me a BUZZ ...it filled me with a warm fuzzy...like a Home Again Feeling. A Mind Fuck that Hurts SO Good....

As I wander...almost too slowly into 2011, I find a lot of Opportunity ahead of me...and a lot of Scary ahead of me, because as of late, Im feeling a little less confident then the Girl Who Ran Away almost 7 years ago! I feel a little lost...almost like Ive broken up with someone, or Ive lost something of Value, Like there's this One Thing I was Suppose to Do but for the Life of Me I cant figure out what Im forgetting... There's a combination of Dread and Excitement in the feeling. Its a FOG that I cant see.... it but I feel it...and alas, Ive felt this way before... to say the least...So I guess it can only be that Im looking for my motivation...Perhaps a renewed commitment  to enter the next chapter of my life!
Perhaps, I just need a Great Mind Fuck to push me ....Suggestions?

Muffin loves when you use the Comments!

6 comments:

  1. I wish I had the strength to quit.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a pretty deep and open blog for you Brandie. I've read it twice now trying to grasp some of what I just read. You know I have an overthinking mind so that shouldn't surprise you any. I have a lot of questions and need to think on this for a spell. But I will be back. You will find your motivation in YOU when it is time to.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Angie by all means read all the Way Into it...I dont think so much it a romantic notions Im having I think Im beginning to Wonder if Im ever going to be Satisfied with my choices! Eric's fairly close to Graduation, Im about to be commuting to south Florida (Let the Goddess be willing!) and I think I fear Not Feeling Fulfilled...I think that's what it is...I don't really know. Perhaps its menopause and Mood Swings...lol! Its Just a Sinking Feeling ...Like I said as though Ive Lost Something, Missing something....I don't know its annoying as hell though!

    ReplyDelete
  4. That girl Smoking Im gonna Guess she has great tits! Just Saying!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Okay- I've given this some thought and well, I'm still thinking on it...but here's what I got for what its worth. This is not the person that I know...well, really it's not like we've ever met face to face and I would say that our first encounters were less than "nice", but through all of that the person that I think I know is somewhere else, but not here...there...whatever, you know what I mean.
    I didn't think that "running away" was something that you could do and frankly, I still don't. Obviously there were reasons that you HAD to leave, or you wouldn't have. For all of the choices that we make in life those choices will always effect us when we change. By change I mean, your not the girl who left that marriage and your children are yes, indeed growing up...as they do--damn it I don't like that either. I can tell you that your not alone when it comes to wondering about being satisfied with the choices that we have made or even being fulfilled. All I can say is that we make our choices and then we move on as best we can and find fulfillment and satisfaction in knowing that we have done what we had to do at the time. Time changes people but not the past. The past is there to be a reminder to us whether it be good or bad. No REGRETS...remember! And ah, I can totally see why you would now feel the way you do about that tattoo. And again, honestly...I have a hard time believing that Brandie would not ever do with Brandie's body what she wanted to in the first place...just saying!
    Be Proud of the person that you are! Be Proud of where you have came from and what you have accomplished in your time spent here. Your successful, intelligent, you've set goals for yourself and been able to maintain them. In the last two years you've quit smoking and now are physically taking care of yourself in the gym. I think there's a lot to be said for all that---a whole lotta satisfaction and fulfillment from where I stand...sit really!
    Keep on fighting the good fight and don't stop swimming---everything works out in the end the way that it is supposed to.
    And yes...that girl smoking does have some great tits...for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Im not regretting, Im not questioning, Im wondering where my next motivation will come from...I tend to work well under pressure...as I get older though I find I don't really like pressure...For the Record...I totally Ran away...and YES!!! You called it! I felt like I had to!!! I actually did go 35 years without a tattoo because EJHS wouldnt "ALLOW ME TO GET ONE"...In life there are some people you are just weak to! EJHS was my "Cherry Cheesecake" Now... I do what the Fuck I want! YO! Peace! or Piece if ya'd rather!

    ReplyDelete